Family Leadership Summit 2015 Highlights

We arrive.
Opening words: “Usually at a gathering like this, there will be a weird one  [i.e. someone who is not an evangelical conservative] in the crowd. Someone who doesn’t respect our values and our worldview
I am asking, I am begging, I am pleading, don’t be the weird one.
And media, I’m asking don’t pay attention to the weird one. “
Family Leadership Summit 2015 Picture Puzzle: find the non-white person in the audience  (hint: it’s a trick question)

Family Leadership Summit 2015 imperialism drinking game: drink every time the speaker calls America the greatest civilization in the history of the world. Chug when speaker compares the state of America today to the fall of the Roman empire. Warning: extremely, extremely unsafe.

Family Leadership Summit 2015 heterosexist/transphobic biblical reference drinking game: drink every time the speaker quotes Leviticus on Man lying with Man or Deuteronomy on Man dressing as Woman. Same warnings apply.

Yes, Steve King, representative for Iowa’s 4th district, the SC ruling on marriage is definitely comparable to the Dredd Scott decision. The comparison between a decision not restricting marriage on the basis of orientation and a decision calling a group of people not human beings and giving them the legal rights of objects is a comparison between two things that share properties and have a non-zero resemblance to one another??

Marco Rubio: Yes, let’s exclusively ask the one Latino candidate opening questions about illegal immigration. We’re all totally blind to race & ethnicity here.

  “That’s what it is. It’s not radical Presbytarian terrorism. It’s radical Islamic terrorism. *Deafening applause* And it’s not fair to non-radical Muslims *hush, scattered applause, some booing against the idea that muslim != terrorist*” -Marco Rubio

“How many Greek scholars do we really need in America? Or in the world even?” F*** you Marco Rubio. In-depth scholarship on the narrative structure and stylistic features of the mathematical text is totally necessary for the future of America, and you should totally pay me for it

Presentations by anti-abortion / Morality organization people are just fucking terrifying and too disturbing to even mock, and I don’t have a uterus. Ultrasound pictures just freak me out, and not in the way they’re supposed to. Luckily, we have Donald Trump to lighten the mood up


“I know what a crazy is. Believe me, I know all about crazies.” -D. Trump
“He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.” -D. Trump
“He’s wearing my brand of tie.” *points to moderator* -D. Trump

“Since my children were two, I would say, no drugs, no alcohol, no cigarettes. Ivanka would say, why do you keep saying that? She was four, she didn’t even know what drugs are. But I wasn’t going to let my children do drugs” -D. Trump

“A lot of the really successful people always want more, more. They have two billion, they want six billion.” *said, I still don’t understand how, with no self-awareness whatsoever* -D. Trump

“What is your relationship with God?”-Moderator
“I’m a businessman. I’m very successful, I made some of the great deals, I own some of the greatest properties. God helped me, giving me a great brain. I was born with a certain intellect..we need somebody who can make deals, who can take our jobs back from China, who can take our jobs back from Mexico.” -D. Trump, on how his relationship with God is having lots of money


Mega-church advertisements are pretty funny – I didn’t realize it was such a competitive industry.

Moderator to Ben Carson: “I want to ask this in the most careful and respectful way. It’s relatively easy for many of the people in this room to call themselves conservatives. But if you look around – there aren’t many people of color. So – why are you here? I ask this in the most respectful, even spiritual way. Why are you here, and not at Cedar Rapids [where there was a democratic event]”

“You called them black pastors, not African-American pastors. Why did you use the word “black” and not “African-American” Yes moderator, just ask the one black candidate coded questions about race, and don’t let him speak about any other subject. We are all blind to race & ethnicity here.

Answer: They’re not really American if they’re welfare-crack-royalty-criminals-who-don’t-solve-their-own-problems-and-leave-their-wives-or-get-teenage-pregnant-depending-on-gender-and-then-vote-for-Democrats-and-think-Republican-politicians-are-maybe-sometimes-a-bit-racist

*the very loudest applause and cheering yet*
I admit I’m paraphrasing a bit. But not as much as you might hope.
Turns out the next great civil rights struggle is to allow all people, independent of the color of their skin, and where they or their parents were born, to be casually racist. “I have a dream that one day my children will be able to be casually racist against other people of color, just like your children” (paraphrasing).
Best pitch for donating to the event: “scripture says ‘For where your treasure is, there your heart lies also'”
Well, we’re praying for our lunch now, but more updates to follow in an hour
Your average FLS 2015 lunch conversations: “in 20 years, now that The Homosexuals have got their agenda, Pedophilia’s going to be made legal. It’s the same argument.”
Also, I’m not used to “The Homosexuals” being a thing people say earnestly. What does it take to be one? If I like to wear a pink sweater sometimes and think some male people are attractive, do I get to be part of The Homosexuals? Or do I have to get gay-married for it to be more than a phase?
FYI: “Obamacare = Obambomb.” Also, Iran will probably soon be blanketing the U.S. in a nuclear generated EMP via satellite:
IMG_2304 IMG_2307

Ted Cruz’s speech is like 70% him complaining about things and people standing up and screaming with righteous anger. One thing I will give these conservatives is that they are very very good at righteous screaming.
“The Supreme Court’s decision was naked judicial activism.” -Someone. Now I’m imagining the Supreme Court giving their decision naked, and somehow that seems appropriate.

Family Leadership Summit Speaking Suggestions: Slowly pronounce Arabic names in order to convince you people are terrorists. Describe activism for cis-herero-marriage as a civil rights movement, then describe anti-slavery + civil rights as movements lead by [white] conservative Christians. Claim the fate of contemporary American Christians who want to fire their LGBTQ employees for being LGBTQ / feel forced to sells cakes for the purpose of eating at Gay Weddings follows directly from, and is entirely comparable to that of the Original Christians being thrown to lions in ancient Rome.


“While we had Baltimore, and Cleveland, and Ferguson, we also had Charleston. While in those places they had offense, in Charleston they had forgiveness, and that was so powerful
We don’t have a skin problem in America. We have a sin problem in America. ”
– M. Huckabee.



“He can’t bless our nation as he would love to, if we do not repent .. Maybe that’s not very politically correct” – Gary Bauer, who is a rascist, violent asshole

At this point I am just not even capable of finding this insanity funny, rather than being utterly terrified that a double digit percentage of people in this country could want one of these people to become, arguably, the most powerful person in the world.

Rick Perry: Donald Trump owes every American, and especially John McCain an apology [for questioning his service]

Things at this friendly non-campaign related policy gathering are getting pretty heated, one could even say a bit feisty

This man calmly and respectfully talks about being gay and asks about the candidate’s thoughts on discrimination. We agree this is kind of awkward, and distinctly rude, and move on as quickly as possible.
“We’re in a religious war, don’t you all think?” -L. Graham
Lindsey Graham cried, and now I quite like him. I’m not saying there is causation there, but I’m also not saying there isn’t. I’ve actually respected most of what he’s said, except about the US being in a religious war, which is a big except, but I’ll take what I can get here.
We’ve got Bobby Jindal performing now (we aren’t hyphenated Americans! We are just Americans! I have no time for victims), and Scott Walker and Rick Santorum are both still on the lineup. Oh, and Huckabee made an appearance
Every 5 minutes the moderator hopelessly begs “Sorry, I’m going to ask you to not say what you would do as president but what the next president should do, as this is not a campaign event. We wouldn’t want the good people organizing this summit to have any legal issues” Wouldn’t want that.
Also, the moderator just said “here in Ohio” which was kind of amazing. It really is impossible to tell Iowa and Ohio apart
“to strengthen American families in America” -R. Santorum. We wouldn’t want to strengthen those American families not in America, or those not-American families in America however. Couldn’t have that.

“We can’t have a strong economy without having strong families.  If we want strong businesses, well families are the smallest businesses. Every family is a small business.” R. Santorum How..touching?

8 1/2 hours later – freedom! Sunlight! A big world with liberals in it!
And I am ready to enjoy the rest of my time in Ohio, and prepare to bring back profits for my small business family.

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